Far out. Life confuzzles me again and again!
Thursday (last week). We decide that our shop cannot stay open as we are trading at such an enormous loss. Making the decision to close our business down was huge for us. Ace said he was okay and not stressed, but I don't believe him. He's been crankier than usual at everyone around him. Ace made the appointments we needed to have to officiate our decision and begin the liquidation process.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Stressed, depressed, lots of crying by me. Lots of grumpy by Ace. Told people close to us that we were closing shop and got varied responses including "we told you so". Blah!
Monday. We attend appointment with accountant and then Ace meets with agents for the landlords. UGH! Short version is that there was no way to close and pay debts without losing our house. There is no way we would get back into home ownership anytime soon so we were loathe to lose our house. Oh boy I hate change. Anyway, we now have to stay open and somehow cut costs and increase sales in order to pay our debts, rent especially as we owe over one year's rent. We have to stay open for the next two years and during that time pay three year's rent when over the past three years we have only managed to pay less than two year's rent (there was a rent free period at the beginning). Money SUCKS.
Feeling out of control and sad. Should not really as I'm so super dooper blessed. Even if we go bankrupt, we are still in the top five percent of the world's population with regard to wealth. We live in Australia where we can get life saving health care for free, we can worship as we choose, our kids have free schooling which is excellent by global standards. So many things to be grateful for and I am, but still depressed. It doesn't make sense to me really.
Children are watching some weird robot thing on TV. They tell me it is X-Men. Interesting. Not. Loud. Yes.
While all this is going on outside my head the inside of my head is madness. The train with Rex is coming by more and more frequently and even when this train is not at the front station it is never out of view. I literally have to make myself eat food and feel 'horribubble woman' when I eat and afterwards. I do not know how to explain the horribubble woman sensation properly, but I'll try...I feel very acutely like a woman rather than just feeling like I'm me who happens to be female. That probably does not make much sense. Anyway, I don't like it at all and I cannot understand why. So eating is HARD. So far I'm still doing it, but I am only hanging on to proper food just. Am concentrating so so hard to maintain my weight and it would be much easier to lose weight and I would much rather lose weight. I hate anorexia but I like it and want it just the same. That does NOT make sense, no sense at all.
I love my children very very much. They make me so happy. I thank God for blessing me with them. Children are a reward from God and I have no idea for what I am being rewarded, but I don't mind...they are delightful and marvellous.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Blonk Blonk Blonk. Down she goes.
Had it explained to me how to add a reader to my blog.
Started to go back to sleep.
Suddenly worried that I would forget instructions by the time I woke.
Got up in a hurry to follow instructions to invite reader.
Fell down stairs.
Hurt my bum.
Think "bum does not really need MORE hurt"
Nothing broken.
It's funny really...now that I'm not winded anymore.
I ate a good breakfast this morning. Was feeling sort of okay about that as I usually start my proper eating (of eiher liquids or solids) a little later in the day at the moment. Anyway, Ace (a nifty new nickname for A [who happens to be my beloved husband]) wanted to have raisin toast and I had three of the last four slices meaning he resorted to cereal instead. Now I feel like I should not have eaten the bread. Blah. ED guilt.
Oh crap my bum hurts a LOT. Sitting, well sort of...on ice now.
I think that I do not think that I like being in business for ourselves. It is scary and hard and well...scary and hard. There are so many people who want money and there isn't enough of it to go around. Our business needs a miracle to survive. People think that because we live in a big house and wear expensive clothes that all is well in our financial world. Never mind considering that we rent off friends for a better than good price and that the clothes we wear are from our own shop and therefore it is more cost effective for us to wear 'posh clothes' than shop at KMart most of the time. BLAH! Anyway, I hate being broke, though it would be easier if people just recognised that for what it was rather than thinking we are rich.
My bum still hurts.
Welcome Kim :o)
Flibberty Jibbert Willow the Whisp a Clown! (How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? The Sound of Music).
Started to go back to sleep.
Suddenly worried that I would forget instructions by the time I woke.
Got up in a hurry to follow instructions to invite reader.
Fell down stairs.
Hurt my bum.
Think "bum does not really need MORE hurt"
Nothing broken.
It's funny really...now that I'm not winded anymore.
I ate a good breakfast this morning. Was feeling sort of okay about that as I usually start my proper eating (of eiher liquids or solids) a little later in the day at the moment. Anyway, Ace (a nifty new nickname for A [who happens to be my beloved husband]) wanted to have raisin toast and I had three of the last four slices meaning he resorted to cereal instead. Now I feel like I should not have eaten the bread. Blah. ED guilt.
Oh crap my bum hurts a LOT. Sitting, well sort of...on ice now.
I think that I do not think that I like being in business for ourselves. It is scary and hard and well...scary and hard. There are so many people who want money and there isn't enough of it to go around. Our business needs a miracle to survive. People think that because we live in a big house and wear expensive clothes that all is well in our financial world. Never mind considering that we rent off friends for a better than good price and that the clothes we wear are from our own shop and therefore it is more cost effective for us to wear 'posh clothes' than shop at KMart most of the time. BLAH! Anyway, I hate being broke, though it would be easier if people just recognised that for what it was rather than thinking we are rich.
My bum still hurts.
Welcome Kim :o)
Flibberty Jibbert Willow the Whisp a Clown! (How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? The Sound of Music).
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A bunch of stuff and more than a pinch of FAT.
I am awake. So so tired but brain is racing. Racing what I do not know. Trains of thought are going too fast.
Thinking about...
God
Fat
Exercise
Colostomy
Fat
K
Grace
Fat
Pain
Fat
God. I am adored by Him. God is my Father. God is amazing. God is GOOD. God gives all good things. God is the best good thing.
Fat. Cannot get it out of my head.
Exercise. I should do and need to do exercise. Hating that I am too tired to do it. Fat.
Colostomy. I think a Kock continent colostomy would suit me best. Terrifies me that I have narrowed this down. The discomfort must be super bad. "Discomfort" is that a JOKE?
Fat. Distraction seems irrelevant. It is ever present.
K. Still missing her lots. When does the sadness end?
Grace. K is saved by grace. God gives me so many good things. God's grace gives me life and people to love. God forgives me...day after day after day after day after day. I don't deserve it, but He does.
Fat. God! Make it stop. Please. It's screaming inside my head.
Pain. Improvement has increased mobility. Thank you God for this good thing. I still complain. I must be grateful for the relief I have and stop wanting more.
Fat. It distracts from pain and from sad and from crappy bowel thinks and from how I got into this situation.
I think I am too tired. Like a little child. Too tired to sleep. Afternoon nap did not work because too noisy and visitors scared me, tonight I am sleeping badly. Took Risperdal a little while ago though. I want to sleep until late in the morning without waking.
It is true that when I cannot cope with the other stuff I resort to disordered eating and think many fat thunks. It would be better for me to collect stamps obsessively instead I am sure (just the cheap and free ones though). The truth is that when I am having isolated fat thinks and planning what I will eat that this is my entire focus and I do not bring to mind that I am hiding from other thought trains and trying to block them from coming into the thinking station. I know intellectually that this is what is happening but I have to be intellectualising it to realise it at any point in time. During those other points (in time) I am just thinking and doing what I am thinking and doing. I am scared. I scare myself.
I have to meditate on God and His word more. I need to distract myself from the bad thinks by putting God in the way. He is my shield and my strength.
Funny that I realise I need more God time and yet today we are having a planned family wagging church day. Because we want to. Because we are tired. Because E's bruised face is real this week. Because I do not feel well. Because we just want to hang out together when we are not hanging out by ourselves (aka sleeping). It will be a nice day.
I think when I go back to bed soon that I will take my iPod and listen to the story tape on it. The Shack. Eeek, ears are hurting and I want to take Sudafed, but I want to SLEEP more. Panadol it is.
I feel pathetic.
Please do not comment saying I am not fat. I know you think that. I know you want to tell me that, it is not going to change at all what I am feeling at this moment. Fat IS a feeling. All I have typed here are my thoughts and feelings because this is not an accademic paper so therefore it does not have to be factual according to evidence. I say I am fat and I feel fat because I THINK I am fat and I FEEL fat and being told that my thoughts are 'wrong' or distorted at this time is likely to annoy me with myself more than helpfully change my thinking. I am not a very good CBT case right now, just want to be free to blurt stuff out through my fingers.
Thank you F and T (formerly known as R) for reading.
Thinking about...
God
Fat
Exercise
Colostomy
Fat
K
Grace
Fat
Pain
Fat
God. I am adored by Him. God is my Father. God is amazing. God is GOOD. God gives all good things. God is the best good thing.
Fat. Cannot get it out of my head.
Exercise. I should do and need to do exercise. Hating that I am too tired to do it. Fat.
Colostomy. I think a Kock continent colostomy would suit me best. Terrifies me that I have narrowed this down. The discomfort must be super bad. "Discomfort" is that a JOKE?
Fat. Distraction seems irrelevant. It is ever present.
K. Still missing her lots. When does the sadness end?
Grace. K is saved by grace. God gives me so many good things. God's grace gives me life and people to love. God forgives me...day after day after day after day after day. I don't deserve it, but He does.
Fat. God! Make it stop. Please. It's screaming inside my head.
Pain. Improvement has increased mobility. Thank you God for this good thing. I still complain. I must be grateful for the relief I have and stop wanting more.
Fat. It distracts from pain and from sad and from crappy bowel thinks and from how I got into this situation.
I think I am too tired. Like a little child. Too tired to sleep. Afternoon nap did not work because too noisy and visitors scared me, tonight I am sleeping badly. Took Risperdal a little while ago though. I want to sleep until late in the morning without waking.
It is true that when I cannot cope with the other stuff I resort to disordered eating and think many fat thunks. It would be better for me to collect stamps obsessively instead I am sure (just the cheap and free ones though). The truth is that when I am having isolated fat thinks and planning what I will eat that this is my entire focus and I do not bring to mind that I am hiding from other thought trains and trying to block them from coming into the thinking station. I know intellectually that this is what is happening but I have to be intellectualising it to realise it at any point in time. During those other points (in time) I am just thinking and doing what I am thinking and doing. I am scared. I scare myself.
I have to meditate on God and His word more. I need to distract myself from the bad thinks by putting God in the way. He is my shield and my strength.
Funny that I realise I need more God time and yet today we are having a planned family wagging church day. Because we want to. Because we are tired. Because E's bruised face is real this week. Because I do not feel well. Because we just want to hang out together when we are not hanging out by ourselves (aka sleeping). It will be a nice day.
I think when I go back to bed soon that I will take my iPod and listen to the story tape on it. The Shack. Eeek, ears are hurting and I want to take Sudafed, but I want to SLEEP more. Panadol it is.
I feel pathetic.
Please do not comment saying I am not fat. I know you think that. I know you want to tell me that, it is not going to change at all what I am feeling at this moment. Fat IS a feeling. All I have typed here are my thoughts and feelings because this is not an accademic paper so therefore it does not have to be factual according to evidence. I say I am fat and I feel fat because I THINK I am fat and I FEEL fat and being told that my thoughts are 'wrong' or distorted at this time is likely to annoy me with myself more than helpfully change my thinking. I am not a very good CBT case right now, just want to be free to blurt stuff out through my fingers.
Thank you F and T (formerly known as R) for reading.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Missing K
Missing K
I was not ready for K to die and I should not have gone to sleep in the hours before she died. I should have sat with her for as long as it took. I was woken 'just in time' but it was not right, I should have been there for the hours before too. I was sleeping in the chair next to her bed, but I was not holding her until the very last moment. I want her back. I want God to fix her and give her back. I loved her, she was my friend.
I miss you K and I love you.
I was not ready for K to die and I should not have gone to sleep in the hours before she died. I should have sat with her for as long as it took. I was woken 'just in time' but it was not right, I should have been there for the hours before too. I was sleeping in the chair next to her bed, but I was not holding her until the very last moment. I want her back. I want God to fix her and give her back. I loved her, she was my friend.
I miss you K and I love you.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Earache and being awake
Twice in the one morning. CRIKEY!
Tried and still could not sleep, though did not try long as I figured out very quickly that I was not going to be able to sleep.
My ear hurts. A LOT! I need to take sudafed but will not take it when the Sun is not shining because then I cannot sleep. I should have taken it yesterday but didn't and now am sitting with the consequences, I think I have an ear infection again. I am so so tired and want to sleep so much that I have even taken risperdal which I think is a terrible medication for me because of the side effects but I know that when it kicks in it will give me sleep. In the meantime I have hung some washing and am now here again.
The sounds of my blood pumping through my body (esp head) are louder when my ears are bad. It is very loud indeed. I rely so heavily on my hearing that I worry when my ears are broken that I will not hear something I should and am jumping at little noises because I'm listening so hard. My sp keep making sleeping noises, there has been talking and thumping against the wall and the bunk bed barrier and a little spueal from the shortest of the short people.
Even though I do not blog as much as some, I really do like that I can because I feel like I cannot be judged here. To start with, there are only two people who can read it and they are both safe and strangers are welcome to read it but if they do and pass judgement I can block them. This leaves me free to type whatever I want to. I really wish I was a good artist (F is a good artist) because then I could better share what is in my head as there are so many cool thoughts but in pictures and I do not know the words to describe them, a lot of them are just colours in the sky behind the thinking trains. They are beautiful and scary and dark and bright at all different times. Right now, perhaps because God is close (I know He is always close and it is me who moves further away, but Him being close is still how I think of it) there are light colours that are filled with sunshine but flashes are dark red and purple because my ear hurts and so do other body parts, also because I feel scared about having taken risperdal. I am trying to focus on the light colours that are filled with sunshine as they are God colours. One of the colours is yellow and that is the colour of the number seven. Funny that I would never choose to have seven of something because it is an odd number but in my head bright sunny yellow and God and seven all seem to go together and it is good. There is orange too and they blend together like the Sun. None of my numbers are in orange. I want to draw it but when I try it never looks like it does in my head and that upsets me so I stop.
I really like how a decision to draw near to God ('draw' near when I cannot draw, funny) brings God within instantly. He is just there waiting. Straight away I know His love for me is complete and He delights in me even though for the life of me I cannot figure out why or how. Amazing, wonderbubble, colourful.
My Body:
Even though I still complain about being in a lot of pain, because I AM in a lot of pain. I would like to point out that the overall level of pain I am in when using the pain patch is much reduced and I can WALK which is amazing to me as before I had so much grief with walking and used crutches most of the time. Now it is the exception rather than the rule to use a walking aid and that alone makes me feel so much better. The thought of being pain free is exciting but I am scared to think it is a possibility because if I do and it does not come about then I will be very upset. Still, being able to mentally manage my pain more effectively and have a lower level of always present pain is like magic to me. Please remind me of this when I am complaining. I still want my ear to stop hurting.
I think that because I have taken the risperdal that I will sleep for a long time when I finally go to sleep. Perhaps that is a good thing though it is very antisocial since I have R visiting.
There is nothing of interest in what I am typing, I hope you skipped to the end so as not to bore yourselves stupid. I shall finish now.
Tried and still could not sleep, though did not try long as I figured out very quickly that I was not going to be able to sleep.
My ear hurts. A LOT! I need to take sudafed but will not take it when the Sun is not shining because then I cannot sleep. I should have taken it yesterday but didn't and now am sitting with the consequences, I think I have an ear infection again. I am so so tired and want to sleep so much that I have even taken risperdal which I think is a terrible medication for me because of the side effects but I know that when it kicks in it will give me sleep. In the meantime I have hung some washing and am now here again.
The sounds of my blood pumping through my body (esp head) are louder when my ears are bad. It is very loud indeed. I rely so heavily on my hearing that I worry when my ears are broken that I will not hear something I should and am jumping at little noises because I'm listening so hard. My sp keep making sleeping noises, there has been talking and thumping against the wall and the bunk bed barrier and a little spueal from the shortest of the short people.
Even though I do not blog as much as some, I really do like that I can because I feel like I cannot be judged here. To start with, there are only two people who can read it and they are both safe and strangers are welcome to read it but if they do and pass judgement I can block them. This leaves me free to type whatever I want to. I really wish I was a good artist (F is a good artist) because then I could better share what is in my head as there are so many cool thoughts but in pictures and I do not know the words to describe them, a lot of them are just colours in the sky behind the thinking trains. They are beautiful and scary and dark and bright at all different times. Right now, perhaps because God is close (I know He is always close and it is me who moves further away, but Him being close is still how I think of it) there are light colours that are filled with sunshine but flashes are dark red and purple because my ear hurts and so do other body parts, also because I feel scared about having taken risperdal. I am trying to focus on the light colours that are filled with sunshine as they are God colours. One of the colours is yellow and that is the colour of the number seven. Funny that I would never choose to have seven of something because it is an odd number but in my head bright sunny yellow and God and seven all seem to go together and it is good. There is orange too and they blend together like the Sun. None of my numbers are in orange. I want to draw it but when I try it never looks like it does in my head and that upsets me so I stop.
I really like how a decision to draw near to God ('draw' near when I cannot draw, funny) brings God within instantly. He is just there waiting. Straight away I know His love for me is complete and He delights in me even though for the life of me I cannot figure out why or how. Amazing, wonderbubble, colourful.
My Body:
Even though I still complain about being in a lot of pain, because I AM in a lot of pain. I would like to point out that the overall level of pain I am in when using the pain patch is much reduced and I can WALK which is amazing to me as before I had so much grief with walking and used crutches most of the time. Now it is the exception rather than the rule to use a walking aid and that alone makes me feel so much better. The thought of being pain free is exciting but I am scared to think it is a possibility because if I do and it does not come about then I will be very upset. Still, being able to mentally manage my pain more effectively and have a lower level of always present pain is like magic to me. Please remind me of this when I am complaining. I still want my ear to stop hurting.
I think that because I have taken the risperdal that I will sleep for a long time when I finally go to sleep. Perhaps that is a good thing though it is very antisocial since I have R visiting.
There is nothing of interest in what I am typing, I hope you skipped to the end so as not to bore yourselves stupid. I shall finish now.
My Space and His Grace.
Golly, What a long time it has been since I typed in blogland.
I am awake. I had to take middle of the night pain meds and dare not go back to bed before they take effect as I know I will think unhelpful things if I do. I like a lot that I can sit on my lounge and type and the novelty has most certainly not worn off yet. It is nice to know that now when I take pain meds they are more likely to work as before the effect was minimal and I had to take a lot, now I can take less and with better effect since I have the edge taken off the pain with the pain patch. Still yet to find something that will help me feel less exhausted ALL THE TIME!
Our boarder moved out on Friday. YAY YAY YAY! I do think I am a bit mean to be so happy about it because he was rather nice but I am just so glad to have my space back. That was why we moved to a bigger house, so I could have SPACE. However when someone is living here and they are not a close friend or family member I still needed to keep to my room which was very crampy.
I have drawn away from God and am not so sure when that happened but I want it to change. God is the only one who really understands me and the only one who ever can and I have not been spending time with Him so much lately and that upsets me but it is only my fault. I want to start worshipping again on my own and with A. It is the best thing for our marriage, drawing closer to God together brings us closer to one another. Aside from that, I want to be more concious of talking to God throughout the day, every day. I have done this for many years but seemed to have stopped doing it so much recently for no particular reason.
God, I am yours and I am sorry for letting myself be apart from you. I love you more than anything and look forward to having more time with you from today onwards. Thank you for always promising to have me back. Amen.
Ahhh, that's better-seriously :o)
I think I will invite my friend in Wisconsin to view my blog. Not sure what to call her though as her name starts with A and I have one of those and her nickname starts with R and I have one of those too. Hmmm, will ask her.
The End.
I am awake. I had to take middle of the night pain meds and dare not go back to bed before they take effect as I know I will think unhelpful things if I do. I like a lot that I can sit on my lounge and type and the novelty has most certainly not worn off yet. It is nice to know that now when I take pain meds they are more likely to work as before the effect was minimal and I had to take a lot, now I can take less and with better effect since I have the edge taken off the pain with the pain patch. Still yet to find something that will help me feel less exhausted ALL THE TIME!
Our boarder moved out on Friday. YAY YAY YAY! I do think I am a bit mean to be so happy about it because he was rather nice but I am just so glad to have my space back. That was why we moved to a bigger house, so I could have SPACE. However when someone is living here and they are not a close friend or family member I still needed to keep to my room which was very crampy.
I have drawn away from God and am not so sure when that happened but I want it to change. God is the only one who really understands me and the only one who ever can and I have not been spending time with Him so much lately and that upsets me but it is only my fault. I want to start worshipping again on my own and with A. It is the best thing for our marriage, drawing closer to God together brings us closer to one another. Aside from that, I want to be more concious of talking to God throughout the day, every day. I have done this for many years but seemed to have stopped doing it so much recently for no particular reason.
God, I am yours and I am sorry for letting myself be apart from you. I love you more than anything and look forward to having more time with you from today onwards. Thank you for always promising to have me back. Amen.
Ahhh, that's better-seriously :o)
I think I will invite my friend in Wisconsin to view my blog. Not sure what to call her though as her name starts with A and I have one of those and her nickname starts with R and I have one of those too. Hmmm, will ask her.
The End.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Teleporting pianos, privacy and envy
I'm in my bed. Saw the naturopath yesterday. I started to feel sick during phase one of the treatment, a zapping thing with my hands on plastic paddles. It came on more like carsickness than usual nausea. I have to take this medication which is zapped (electrolised?) salty water which needs to be protected from all radio waves and other such things floating around in the atmosphere that we cannot see. Our house has wireless broadband, so it is a very dangerous place for said medicine and I need to go across the road to the trees three times per day to take it. It makes me feel more sick. Today I am more sore than usual and dizzy even while in bed. I've been coughing until nearly throwing up and want to get zapped better. Magic wand anyone?
I feel tired and want to sleep but I wake everytime I start to roll over because it hurts so much to move. Whinge whinge whinge. Am going to meet another GP this afternoon and will be taking my short people with me and buy groceries after appointment. I do not have the energy really but will borrow spoons from somewhere.
Have I blogged about our housemate? Hmmm, anyway, have boarder at the moment and he is moving out either this weekend or next weekend which is fabulerific as then I can go to the toilet without walking upstairs and B can practice clarinet where I can hear him well enough and get to him easily enough to correct and help him but without it being in the same room I'm in as that's just too noisy for half an hour. I seriously could not teach an instrument that did not have volume control. I taught organ briefly a long time ago and at least I could turn that down. Anyway, it is good he is learning to play and become music literate. This reminds me...F we need to work out how to get piano to your place if you still want it. Probably we could get a truck and we would need an extra two men I think to get it on and off. Let me know. Anyway, back to boarder...soon F, we will have tea without company other than our own short people and your B and R you will have your room back. YAY!
I have to be ready to start uni again by July and that means 12 contact hours and nine of them being ward work, on feet, shift hours etc. Please pray that I can manage to get myself together enough to do this as I really want to get more of my degree done...I'll run out of time.
Cannot get out of my head that losing weight is the answer to reducing pain still. I know I know I know that I'm not supposed to think this and that I know better than this etc etc etc, but it is still there. My weight is fine, I look "good" according to those who judge an ED person's wellness according to the fullness of their cheeks (ignorant) so therefore there are no physical signs that I am thinking this way and feeling so darn fat but I AM and I do not want to be sick with ED but it seriously is hard to keep taking it all so seriously every day when I just want to lose weight. I feel jealous of people I know who are on diets. That is ridicurous (made up word, not spelling error). Blah.
A put Star Trek on last night and I really really REALLY want a teleporter...could 'lock on' to my clothes at night to have them beamed off and have jammies beamed on right away...no effort. Beam my short people home from school and beam my way to anywhere I like. Ooooh, I could beam groceries straight from the supermarket into the cupboards when I'm too tired to shop (other times I'd just beam me there and beam me and food home because when I have the energy I like grocery stores). It would also solve the piano transport issue.
This post is a bunch of nonesense really. I do not do anything exciting so therefore do not create exciting news to tell people via a blog. Feel free to skim friends or not read at all, it would never offend me if you did not read my typing dribble.
I feel tired and want to sleep but I wake everytime I start to roll over because it hurts so much to move. Whinge whinge whinge. Am going to meet another GP this afternoon and will be taking my short people with me and buy groceries after appointment. I do not have the energy really but will borrow spoons from somewhere.
Have I blogged about our housemate? Hmmm, anyway, have boarder at the moment and he is moving out either this weekend or next weekend which is fabulerific as then I can go to the toilet without walking upstairs and B can practice clarinet where I can hear him well enough and get to him easily enough to correct and help him but without it being in the same room I'm in as that's just too noisy for half an hour. I seriously could not teach an instrument that did not have volume control. I taught organ briefly a long time ago and at least I could turn that down. Anyway, it is good he is learning to play and become music literate. This reminds me...F we need to work out how to get piano to your place if you still want it. Probably we could get a truck and we would need an extra two men I think to get it on and off. Let me know. Anyway, back to boarder...soon F, we will have tea without company other than our own short people and your B and R you will have your room back. YAY!
I have to be ready to start uni again by July and that means 12 contact hours and nine of them being ward work, on feet, shift hours etc. Please pray that I can manage to get myself together enough to do this as I really want to get more of my degree done...I'll run out of time.
Cannot get out of my head that losing weight is the answer to reducing pain still. I know I know I know that I'm not supposed to think this and that I know better than this etc etc etc, but it is still there. My weight is fine, I look "good" according to those who judge an ED person's wellness according to the fullness of their cheeks (ignorant) so therefore there are no physical signs that I am thinking this way and feeling so darn fat but I AM and I do not want to be sick with ED but it seriously is hard to keep taking it all so seriously every day when I just want to lose weight. I feel jealous of people I know who are on diets. That is ridicurous (made up word, not spelling error). Blah.
A put Star Trek on last night and I really really REALLY want a teleporter...could 'lock on' to my clothes at night to have them beamed off and have jammies beamed on right away...no effort. Beam my short people home from school and beam my way to anywhere I like. Ooooh, I could beam groceries straight from the supermarket into the cupboards when I'm too tired to shop (other times I'd just beam me there and beam me and food home because when I have the energy I like grocery stores). It would also solve the piano transport issue.
This post is a bunch of nonesense really. I do not do anything exciting so therefore do not create exciting news to tell people via a blog. Feel free to skim friends or not read at all, it would never offend me if you did not read my typing dribble.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
K, F, Jumping Trees and The Potter
This morning was the day that K's ashes went to be with her blood relatives. They will spread them on the top of a beautiful mountain and I feel jealous that I cannot be the one to do it. I selfishly think it should be me. That is wrong of me to think that. K's stepmum gave me a mother's day present from K...a pair of oven gloves that work, as in they are free from holes that should not be there. K's stepmum is nice. How can a family not be there during a child's suffering and then be so interested when it is too late? That is a rhetorical question. Despite all the grief I experienced as K suffered and I hated her suffering, I wanted to fix her, now I just want her back. I am so selfish. UGH!
On a positive note...I saw my lovely Princess F tonight. It is usually funny when we see one another as it often follows several days of us trying and failing to contact each other. I'm notorious for not being home when she visits or being asleep and F is telephone impaired I think, lim. I have invited her now to view my blog so hello there Princess F (I will never use your name on here without your permission and I do not use my own even though this is an inviation only blog, I'm called moon). Welcome.
A tree jumped out and put a hole in the tail light of my car. Well not really of course, but that sure sounds a lot more interesting than what really happened...and a lot more unbelievable. Really I was backing my car into a car parking spot and backed into a tree, a small tree that I could not see with a branch sticking out tthe front of it at tail light height. Really need to tell A...perhaps he can read this entry.
I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God and thinking that I need to spend more scheduled time with Him. I love Him more than life. He knows every thought, even the ones I do not understand. He knows the pain I have in my body because God in skin (Jesus) experienced pain like I never will. He loves me more than anyone on Earth ever possibly can and will continue to love be despite everything I have ever done and will ever do wrong. WOW!
I'm crying again. What a silly cryee day.
I am sure I have bored readers enough now and I will go.
On a positive note...I saw my lovely Princess F tonight. It is usually funny when we see one another as it often follows several days of us trying and failing to contact each other. I'm notorious for not being home when she visits or being asleep and F is telephone impaired I think, lim. I have invited her now to view my blog so hello there Princess F (I will never use your name on here without your permission and I do not use my own even though this is an inviation only blog, I'm called moon). Welcome.
A tree jumped out and put a hole in the tail light of my car. Well not really of course, but that sure sounds a lot more interesting than what really happened...and a lot more unbelievable. Really I was backing my car into a car parking spot and backed into a tree, a small tree that I could not see with a branch sticking out tthe front of it at tail light height. Really need to tell A...perhaps he can read this entry.
I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God and thinking that I need to spend more scheduled time with Him. I love Him more than life. He knows every thought, even the ones I do not understand. He knows the pain I have in my body because God in skin (Jesus) experienced pain like I never will. He loves me more than anyone on Earth ever possibly can and will continue to love be despite everything I have ever done and will ever do wrong. WOW!
I'm crying again. What a silly cryee day.
I am sure I have bored readers enough now and I will go.
Friday, May 1, 2009
New Lap Top :)
WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
I am posting this from MY NEW LAP TOP sitting on my lounge!
Hmmm, surely I have more to type than that. I have been offline for a couple of days which has actually been rather nice as I'm blissfully unaware of any emails needing my attention.
I just yelled at my husband :( We have our new wireless network running but it seems that the PC (desk top) which is still hard wired has stopped working and my lap top which is wireless on the same network is working. He keeps saying"why isn't it working anymore ?" and he wants an answer and I don't have one and so he pushes more and I suspect it is because he unplugged stuff to move it around after it was all set up but he doesn't like that answer and is upset. I yelled at him and while we argue for fun a lot, I HATE fighting with him, he is too lovely to fight with. He's gone to tuck in short people now, I hope it will be okay when he comes back down.
Okay, more about my new computer for blogging and emailing and searching and chatting and facebooking...the keyboard is really REALLY little and I keep making mistakes and the delete button is slightly higher than I am used to so I sometimes do this \ instead of deleting errors. It probably does not help that I'm in the dark which makes getting used to a new keyboard tricky.
A just put Madagascar 2 on. Movies are too long for me and I get up and leave a lot, ifI am playing on my computer at the same time my attention span might stretch a little.
Have fixed fight with A, he finally agreed to trust me to fix problem tomorrow when help desk is open, I think I need to do this Grapevine webpage thingo that I've done before but cannot do without them telling me what to do to get the ppops right or something. Anyway, it is all good now and hubby is still lovely. Ooooh, Alex the Lion has a son :)
The phone is ringing and I thought it would be my lovely K...
I am posting this from MY NEW LAP TOP sitting on my lounge!
Hmmm, surely I have more to type than that. I have been offline for a couple of days which has actually been rather nice as I'm blissfully unaware of any emails needing my attention.
I just yelled at my husband :( We have our new wireless network running but it seems that the PC (desk top) which is still hard wired has stopped working and my lap top which is wireless on the same network is working. He keeps saying"why isn't it working anymore ?" and he wants an answer and I don't have one and so he pushes more and I suspect it is because he unplugged stuff to move it around after it was all set up but he doesn't like that answer and is upset. I yelled at him and while we argue for fun a lot, I HATE fighting with him, he is too lovely to fight with. He's gone to tuck in short people now, I hope it will be okay when he comes back down.
Okay, more about my new computer for blogging and emailing and searching and chatting and facebooking...the keyboard is really REALLY little and I keep making mistakes and the delete button is slightly higher than I am used to so I sometimes do this \ instead of deleting errors. It probably does not help that I'm in the dark which makes getting used to a new keyboard tricky.
A just put Madagascar 2 on. Movies are too long for me and I get up and leave a lot, ifI am playing on my computer at the same time my attention span might stretch a little.
Have fixed fight with A, he finally agreed to trust me to fix problem tomorrow when help desk is open, I think I need to do this Grapevine webpage thingo that I've done before but cannot do without them telling me what to do to get the ppops right or something. Anyway, it is all good now and hubby is still lovely. Ooooh, Alex the Lion has a son :)
The phone is ringing and I thought it would be my lovely K...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Hubby Home
My dear Hubby (A) came home last night after being away for four days. He had a great time away and I think that coming home for him must have been disappointing as nothing has changed and I'm still sick and the house is still scary. How wonderbubble it would have been for him to come home and find the house in order and me well, with no pain and all the energy I needed. Anyway, it didn't happen.
Today I am feeling sad because I have let A down and sore because it is a day ending in Y and tired for the same reason. The bones in my left leg are really really hurting today and it hurts to bare any weight on them. Oh well.
I continue to think that losing weight will help me a lot with the pain and energy. I know I have more energy when I am not eating so much...to a point. I also know from experience that I have less pain generally and also in specific areas, including my back, legs and bowel when eating less than is required. I see my ED psychologist on Tuesday and I do not think I am supposed to tell her how tempting it is to start restricting in earnest when I am clearly at a healthy weight.
Blah blah blah. I'm complaining.
Today I am feeling sad because I have let A down and sore because it is a day ending in Y and tired for the same reason. The bones in my left leg are really really hurting today and it hurts to bare any weight on them. Oh well.
I continue to think that losing weight will help me a lot with the pain and energy. I know I have more energy when I am not eating so much...to a point. I also know from experience that I have less pain generally and also in specific areas, including my back, legs and bowel when eating less than is required. I see my ED psychologist on Tuesday and I do not think I am supposed to tell her how tempting it is to start restricting in earnest when I am clearly at a healthy weight.
Blah blah blah. I'm complaining.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
School Holidays and Silly Temptation
Good Evening (to my one and only blog follower-LIM)
For any that come later, I will here explain 'lim', as I am likely to use it a lot... laughing in mind as I do not laugh out loud when there is no one to enjoy hearing it.
I am sitting at the computer waiting for pain meds to start working before going back to bed as I could not lie there any longer in excrutiating pain without yelling a LOT so I got up and here I am.
It has been a busy week here as the children (aka short people or sp) are on holidays and we have had swimming lessons and other stuff on. Though really, my short people (one is actually up to my nose already, but he remains shorter than me until further notice) have not had the kind of fun they deserve and I know they would like on the holidays mainly because their mum is too tired and sore and feels to yuk to do stuff with them. They really are amazing kids and even their bad behaviour is relatively good compared to some other children I have seen supposedly being 'good'. I know parents are not supposed to make comparisons, but really it is quite hard not to.
The pain has been really really really bad for nearly a week now and I would say I am desperate. I am hoping to see another pain doc in a few weeks...waiting to see how that works out, a few things to coordinate for that to happen.
The pain is really making me tempted to restrict my food as I know I have less pain when my weight is really low. But if I get sick again with ED then people get mad with me and I do not really want that anyway as I am wanting to be free from that so I can do other things like have a baby. I don't want to stuff up my bones anymore or risk another peptic ulcer. But my bowel does not seem to like me eating and my muscles and joints and leg bones don't like me having extra weight. Though opinion on whether or not the weight is 'extra' or not varies from me to my treatment team. I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't....
Oh my goodness. I am so annoying I annoy myself!
For any that come later, I will here explain 'lim', as I am likely to use it a lot... laughing in mind as I do not laugh out loud when there is no one to enjoy hearing it.
I am sitting at the computer waiting for pain meds to start working before going back to bed as I could not lie there any longer in excrutiating pain without yelling a LOT so I got up and here I am.
It has been a busy week here as the children (aka short people or sp) are on holidays and we have had swimming lessons and other stuff on. Though really, my short people (one is actually up to my nose already, but he remains shorter than me until further notice) have not had the kind of fun they deserve and I know they would like on the holidays mainly because their mum is too tired and sore and feels to yuk to do stuff with them. They really are amazing kids and even their bad behaviour is relatively good compared to some other children I have seen supposedly being 'good'. I know parents are not supposed to make comparisons, but really it is quite hard not to.
The pain has been really really really bad for nearly a week now and I would say I am desperate. I am hoping to see another pain doc in a few weeks...waiting to see how that works out, a few things to coordinate for that to happen.
The pain is really making me tempted to restrict my food as I know I have less pain when my weight is really low. But if I get sick again with ED then people get mad with me and I do not really want that anyway as I am wanting to be free from that so I can do other things like have a baby. I don't want to stuff up my bones anymore or risk another peptic ulcer. But my bowel does not seem to like me eating and my muscles and joints and leg bones don't like me having extra weight. Though opinion on whether or not the weight is 'extra' or not varies from me to my treatment team. I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't....
Oh my goodness. I am so annoying I annoy myself!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
moonblog first blog
Okay, well this is sure weird. I am blogging!
There is little for me to type right now however. I have just taken some meds and because I'm feeling sick I do not want to lie down yet so I'm having a nutritious frozen drink and typing here for a bit before going back to bed.
I really want to create something for my friend who went to be with Jesus nearly two weeks ago. I do not know what though. I thought perhaps I could affix her eulogy here and some of the thoughts that I wrote to my psychologist about her. I will have to think about it. To those who are reading this and already have heard me talk about my friend (who I will call Missy) and are sick of it, please bare with me a little longer.
Now I will just think out my fingers a bit...I am wondering who I will let read this thing. Should I let my psychologit read it? My husband? My Mum...no, I don't think so. There are two friends who I will let read it I think, Princess F and Princess R. I think mostly my husband would not be that interested in reading, so I might just put a signed in link on our PC and then he can go straight to it if he chooses but he doesn't have to and if there is something I need him to know and I have put it in here and it is hard to talk about I can provide him with the exact link.
"Thinking out my fingers" means I'm thinking and letting my fingers do their very best to keep up with said thunks and whatever bits they manage come out as typing.
In case I suddenly become crazy enough (or brave enough) to allow any strangers to read this or even people who know me but know little about me...I will briefly into...
I am 34, married for 12.5 years, Christian, mum to two wonderbubble children, I make up words as I see fit, studying part time when I am well enough (physically and mentally), trying to get a handle on the fact that I have been sick with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time but have done my best to pretend it was not happening, I am blessed to have an 'Aspy' brain (Asperger's Syndrome), recovering from an eating disorder (I maintain that I am in recovery even if I relapse because even during relapse I remain recovery focussed and as much as I am able comply with treatment). I am working on being well enough (in all aspects) for long enough to be able to start IVF so we can have another baby as it seems I dropped the egg carton and now my eggs are scrambled or something? Oh, I'm in Australia, in NSW. My husband runs our own businesses and looks after me, he is amazing, I'm keeping him.
I think that will do for now. Thank you for reading to anyone who did (and of course no one has to)
Am I supposed to sign off? Oh well, I will, moondrop (this is not my real name, though I was born in the 70's so you could be excused for thinking it is)
There is little for me to type right now however. I have just taken some meds and because I'm feeling sick I do not want to lie down yet so I'm having a nutritious frozen drink and typing here for a bit before going back to bed.
I really want to create something for my friend who went to be with Jesus nearly two weeks ago. I do not know what though. I thought perhaps I could affix her eulogy here and some of the thoughts that I wrote to my psychologist about her. I will have to think about it. To those who are reading this and already have heard me talk about my friend (who I will call Missy) and are sick of it, please bare with me a little longer.
Now I will just think out my fingers a bit...I am wondering who I will let read this thing. Should I let my psychologit read it? My husband? My Mum...no, I don't think so. There are two friends who I will let read it I think, Princess F and Princess R. I think mostly my husband would not be that interested in reading, so I might just put a signed in link on our PC and then he can go straight to it if he chooses but he doesn't have to and if there is something I need him to know and I have put it in here and it is hard to talk about I can provide him with the exact link.
"Thinking out my fingers" means I'm thinking and letting my fingers do their very best to keep up with said thunks and whatever bits they manage come out as typing.
In case I suddenly become crazy enough (or brave enough) to allow any strangers to read this or even people who know me but know little about me...I will briefly into...
I am 34, married for 12.5 years, Christian, mum to two wonderbubble children, I make up words as I see fit, studying part time when I am well enough (physically and mentally), trying to get a handle on the fact that I have been sick with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time but have done my best to pretend it was not happening, I am blessed to have an 'Aspy' brain (Asperger's Syndrome), recovering from an eating disorder (I maintain that I am in recovery even if I relapse because even during relapse I remain recovery focussed and as much as I am able comply with treatment). I am working on being well enough (in all aspects) for long enough to be able to start IVF so we can have another baby as it seems I dropped the egg carton and now my eggs are scrambled or something? Oh, I'm in Australia, in NSW. My husband runs our own businesses and looks after me, he is amazing, I'm keeping him.
I think that will do for now. Thank you for reading to anyone who did (and of course no one has to)
Am I supposed to sign off? Oh well, I will, moondrop (this is not my real name, though I was born in the 70's so you could be excused for thinking it is)
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