Cryee and tired.

It is a cryee day today. Too tired to stop myself from crying I think.

Today I took J to her appointment for her broken ankle. Good news, she has a walking boot and can weight bare. It's good she is going to be able to do more things for herself. I asked J if she had heard a news story this morning about a murder suicide attempt that cost the lives of 7 month old twins and left their Mum in a critical condition in hospital. Another lady in the waiting room asked me to stop talking or talk quieter because there were children around and it was inappropriate content for them to hear. I should have known that and thought of it and I didn't and I offended her. T told me I did not do anything wrong, but even so, I offended someone and that upsets me a lot. A LOT! Grrrr at me.

In the carpark when I still had J with me there were two young children in a locked car. They were about six years old. We went into the shop and came out about 20 minutes later to find the boys were still there alone. It was a cold day but my car was super hot inside sitting in the sun nevertheless. The other car had to be just as hot. I stayed and waited for a little while to see if someone came back for them and because I was worried that something bad might happen. After another 10 minutes I phoned police attendance number and they dispatched a patrol car after my conversation with them which was another 5 minutes. It was a long time for the two boys to be in the car on their own. Before the police car arrived a lady came back to the car and then they left. Ooops. I called the police number again to say they had gone and seemed okay still. Anyway the police are going to make contact with the owner of the vehicle and query my complaint. I hope I do not offend someone else, though at least this time they will not know it was me and it was very important.

I am thinking that althought my house is not clean enough to my standards, it could be worse. I was in two houses today that were disturbingly messy. I had to be careful where I stepped and I found there was nowhere I could put my bag and keys down where they would not be easily lost. It sort of scared me and I felt I had to leave. It is not right that I should be scared to be in the house that I lived in with my parents. I don't like not understanding why I feel a particular way, I always know that house is super messy but it really upset me a lot and I had to get out.

It is hard to think and I am so so tired. Tired all through myself. I have to do something about tired. Tired makes me a bit more cryee.

This is kind of silly, we have moved K's fridge into our kitchen as it fits there much better than our old one. When K was sick she would often go to the fridge with dirty fingers and there were finger prints all over the door and next to it. Just near the freezer section there was a dirty hand print of my K. I needed to clean the fridge and when I was wiping off finger and hand prints I felt like I was washing away K from here, it made me sad. Today I want her to call me, I wish I remembered her better. I think that I do not remember her well enough and I should because she was so important. I told A that I was upset about missing K today and removing her handprints from the fridge, I think it is funny that before we were married he was better at dealing with me sad and cryee than he is now. I don't mind though, he is still my Mr Amazing. I like having some of K's things in our house, we have her entertainment unit, some paintings, fridge and lounge and a few other bits and pieces. It's nice to have it here but it is not enough, I want my friend back. She was too young and she didn't really get to enjoy things in life yet because she was so sick and that is not fair. Cryee again, blah. God, keep her well and say "hello" from me.

Today I am ugly and fat. My appearance and presence is offensive to others. My appearance and presence is offensive to me. Tired and going to bed.