I have received a request from our pastor to contact a lady in the community (not from our church) who has called asking for prayer support for chronic pain. I feel happy that Pastor thought to ask me to do this. This is good. This is something I can do, I do not have to feel well to pray for someone, I do not have to go out to do it. The lady would like someone to visit her and pray with her but the very nature of her problem means she is likely to be understanding if I cannot manage that often. I like being useful.
Eating today is not really going well. I did eat cereal at breakfast time and cake at morning tea, but the serve of cereal was insufficient and I slept through lunch time. I should have something now for afternoon tea but feel scared to do so because dinner is so close and I will have to have regular serving sizes then.
Self talk.
Food is a requirement not a priviledge.
I am so fat.
I need to eat.
I am scared to eat.
Food nourishes my body.
What if the food poisons my body?
It's little dark, thick, blobby head screams at me how awful I am. Others think I am nice but they are wrong. Sarayu (AKA Holy Spirit-alt name taken from The Shack by WM Paul Young) whispers to me that I am beautiful. I believe Sarayu, but it is hard to ignore the dark thick blobby one who screams. I think the dark thick blobby one is made up of all of me that hates me and because I know me best I think that I am right to know that I am deserving of being hated even though Sarayu says otherwise. Fundamentally I believe that God is always right, yet for some reason it is different when it is about me. I know I'm not the only one who is like this though. It is hard.
I will eat tea, lentil and vegetable soup. I will eat a suitable serving.
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