It is funny that I was so worried about my privacy for my blog and it's been opened for a week and no one has read it. LIM.
Anyway, I wish to report that I am so so sooooooooo grateful to have the best family in the whole world. My Mr Amazing and two wonderbubble boys that I adore. It pleases me that despite everything we have experienced, we are still happy together.
Our shop situation is still fragile. Details details details. I don't even want to think about them, but now we have had to engage our lawyer and oh yuk. That is the shop that we don't talk about (which clearly I am talking [typing] about). The other shop has shifted locations over the weekend in a grand event that saw lots of bodies painting, moving boxes, putting up shop fittings and unpacking boxes. It was very busy and Princess Moon was given the job of caring for her own two children and one other and this was the sum total of her contribution.
Keeping a few children alive and happy was enough to exhaust this self declared princess. This exhaustion is ongoing and unceasing. I want it to stop.
Today I ate two biscuits that I baked and I still am scared that they are making me Princess Plump. Anorexia is in my brain and is making its mark on what I do and don't do. Still because I do not appear to have lost weight so do not 'look' like anorexia is plaguing me. Although I have declared it and fessed up to those who need to know, I still feel like I am protecting a secret. Blah, my brain and trains are so mixed up and it is hard to keep up and I think it would be easier to just stay in my head and count. However, I cannot and I'm scared lots and lots about what I have eaten and what I might eat later. The counting is better, reassuring and safe.
I think that little of what I type makes sense as I jump from one thing to the next. Oh well, it is out of my head a bit.
Moondrop out.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Cryee and tired.
It is a cryee day today. Too tired to stop myself from crying I think.
Today I took J to her appointment for her broken ankle. Good news, she has a walking boot and can weight bare. It's good she is going to be able to do more things for herself. I asked J if she had heard a news story this morning about a murder suicide attempt that cost the lives of 7 month old twins and left their Mum in a critical condition in hospital. Another lady in the waiting room asked me to stop talking or talk quieter because there were children around and it was inappropriate content for them to hear. I should have known that and thought of it and I didn't and I offended her. T told me I did not do anything wrong, but even so, I offended someone and that upsets me a lot. A LOT! Grrrr at me.
In the carpark when I still had J with me there were two young children in a locked car. They were about six years old. We went into the shop and came out about 20 minutes later to find the boys were still there alone. It was a cold day but my car was super hot inside sitting in the sun nevertheless. The other car had to be just as hot. I stayed and waited for a little while to see if someone came back for them and because I was worried that something bad might happen. After another 10 minutes I phoned police attendance number and they dispatched a patrol car after my conversation with them which was another 5 minutes. It was a long time for the two boys to be in the car on their own. Before the police car arrived a lady came back to the car and then they left. Ooops. I called the police number again to say they had gone and seemed okay still. Anyway the police are going to make contact with the owner of the vehicle and query my complaint. I hope I do not offend someone else, though at least this time they will not know it was me and it was very important.
I am thinking that althought my house is not clean enough to my standards, it could be worse. I was in two houses today that were disturbingly messy. I had to be careful where I stepped and I found there was nowhere I could put my bag and keys down where they would not be easily lost. It sort of scared me and I felt I had to leave. It is not right that I should be scared to be in the house that I lived in with my parents. I don't like not understanding why I feel a particular way, I always know that house is super messy but it really upset me a lot and I had to get out.
It is hard to think and I am so so tired. Tired all through myself. I have to do something about tired. Tired makes me a bit more cryee.
This is kind of silly, we have moved K's fridge into our kitchen as it fits there much better than our old one. When K was sick she would often go to the fridge with dirty fingers and there were finger prints all over the door and next to it. Just near the freezer section there was a dirty hand print of my K. I needed to clean the fridge and when I was wiping off finger and hand prints I felt like I was washing away K from here, it made me sad. Today I want her to call me, I wish I remembered her better. I think that I do not remember her well enough and I should because she was so important. I told A that I was upset about missing K today and removing her handprints from the fridge, I think it is funny that before we were married he was better at dealing with me sad and cryee than he is now. I don't mind though, he is still my Mr Amazing. I like having some of K's things in our house, we have her entertainment unit, some paintings, fridge and lounge and a few other bits and pieces. It's nice to have it here but it is not enough, I want my friend back. She was too young and she didn't really get to enjoy things in life yet because she was so sick and that is not fair. Cryee again, blah. God, keep her well and say "hello" from me.
Today I am ugly and fat. My appearance and presence is offensive to others. My appearance and presence is offensive to me. Tired and going to bed.
Today I took J to her appointment for her broken ankle. Good news, she has a walking boot and can weight bare. It's good she is going to be able to do more things for herself. I asked J if she had heard a news story this morning about a murder suicide attempt that cost the lives of 7 month old twins and left their Mum in a critical condition in hospital. Another lady in the waiting room asked me to stop talking or talk quieter because there were children around and it was inappropriate content for them to hear. I should have known that and thought of it and I didn't and I offended her. T told me I did not do anything wrong, but even so, I offended someone and that upsets me a lot. A LOT! Grrrr at me.
In the carpark when I still had J with me there were two young children in a locked car. They were about six years old. We went into the shop and came out about 20 minutes later to find the boys were still there alone. It was a cold day but my car was super hot inside sitting in the sun nevertheless. The other car had to be just as hot. I stayed and waited for a little while to see if someone came back for them and because I was worried that something bad might happen. After another 10 minutes I phoned police attendance number and they dispatched a patrol car after my conversation with them which was another 5 minutes. It was a long time for the two boys to be in the car on their own. Before the police car arrived a lady came back to the car and then they left. Ooops. I called the police number again to say they had gone and seemed okay still. Anyway the police are going to make contact with the owner of the vehicle and query my complaint. I hope I do not offend someone else, though at least this time they will not know it was me and it was very important.
I am thinking that althought my house is not clean enough to my standards, it could be worse. I was in two houses today that were disturbingly messy. I had to be careful where I stepped and I found there was nowhere I could put my bag and keys down where they would not be easily lost. It sort of scared me and I felt I had to leave. It is not right that I should be scared to be in the house that I lived in with my parents. I don't like not understanding why I feel a particular way, I always know that house is super messy but it really upset me a lot and I had to get out.
It is hard to think and I am so so tired. Tired all through myself. I have to do something about tired. Tired makes me a bit more cryee.
This is kind of silly, we have moved K's fridge into our kitchen as it fits there much better than our old one. When K was sick she would often go to the fridge with dirty fingers and there were finger prints all over the door and next to it. Just near the freezer section there was a dirty hand print of my K. I needed to clean the fridge and when I was wiping off finger and hand prints I felt like I was washing away K from here, it made me sad. Today I want her to call me, I wish I remembered her better. I think that I do not remember her well enough and I should because she was so important. I told A that I was upset about missing K today and removing her handprints from the fridge, I think it is funny that before we were married he was better at dealing with me sad and cryee than he is now. I don't mind though, he is still my Mr Amazing. I like having some of K's things in our house, we have her entertainment unit, some paintings, fridge and lounge and a few other bits and pieces. It's nice to have it here but it is not enough, I want my friend back. She was too young and she didn't really get to enjoy things in life yet because she was so sick and that is not fair. Cryee again, blah. God, keep her well and say "hello" from me.
Today I am ugly and fat. My appearance and presence is offensive to others. My appearance and presence is offensive to me. Tired and going to bed.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My Blog has infinite space
This is my blog and I can type about whatever I want to type about. Seems like a simple thing, but it's a novel concept for me. There is infinite space here. Thank you Telle.
I can babble on about what is happening right now and there needs not be a story I am telling. I can put my thoughts here and do not have to justify them to anyone. Nifty.
I am lying on our new lounge and my darling A (I've decided I don't like calling him Ace after all) is sitting on the other side. He is watching Star Trek because that is one of the things he does best. It makes him happy and helps him to get out of his head I think. I am really really tired but enjoying being awake and in the same room as A when we are both awake even though we are doing different things.
He is really super dooper amazing. He supports me in all things I want to do and encourages me when I am finding life hard. He knows that every day is hard for me and that surviving each day is a challenge, he praises my efforts and is pleased when I achieve nothing other than still being alive at the end of the day. I am so grateful to be sharing my life with him. If I have to keep being alive when almost all the time I would prefer not to be, then I am glad I get to do it with A. God, I cannot understand why you would bless me so so much, but thank you.
With the arrival of two new lounges today (handmedowns, but really really nice ones) my A patiently kept shifting bits of furniture in the loungeroom until I was happy with where everything was. He has worked today, on his day off, going here and there and moving furniture that is not his and stuff and he still wants to help me. Oh wow. I am so so in love.
A has gone to bed now, he has put another Star Trek episode on the tv for me to watch. Apparently it is hard to sleep with me in the bed so A sometimes needs me to either sleep elsewhere or wait until he is asleep before going to bed so that he can get to sleep before mrs topsy turvy comes to bed. He has until the end of the episode to fall asleep. Hehehe.
To change the subject, I emailed my dietician and fessed up to restricting my food. I told her that I want to lose weight but do not want anorexia. It is not like I can just go on a diet, there is only one way I know how to lose weight, put less in. Restricting my food has meant I have less nausea which is good and my tail end which sustained a tearing injury on the toilet has had some time to heal without being used so much. It is hard for me to challenge my thinking that food is bad for me when I am having positive side effects from not eating so much. My ED therapist says that my case is complex because eating food gives me negative reinforcement. I can take antiemetics for the nausea which helps, but the bowel issues can only partly be resolved with medication and diet so that is always going to be an issue. Golly, I need a new body.
I just heard a noise in the kitchen, I think the bird is up to no good. Funny.
My husband and my children are the best family in the whole world.
I can babble on about what is happening right now and there needs not be a story I am telling. I can put my thoughts here and do not have to justify them to anyone. Nifty.
I am lying on our new lounge and my darling A (I've decided I don't like calling him Ace after all) is sitting on the other side. He is watching Star Trek because that is one of the things he does best. It makes him happy and helps him to get out of his head I think. I am really really tired but enjoying being awake and in the same room as A when we are both awake even though we are doing different things.
He is really super dooper amazing. He supports me in all things I want to do and encourages me when I am finding life hard. He knows that every day is hard for me and that surviving each day is a challenge, he praises my efforts and is pleased when I achieve nothing other than still being alive at the end of the day. I am so grateful to be sharing my life with him. If I have to keep being alive when almost all the time I would prefer not to be, then I am glad I get to do it with A. God, I cannot understand why you would bless me so so much, but thank you.
With the arrival of two new lounges today (handmedowns, but really really nice ones) my A patiently kept shifting bits of furniture in the loungeroom until I was happy with where everything was. He has worked today, on his day off, going here and there and moving furniture that is not his and stuff and he still wants to help me. Oh wow. I am so so in love.
A has gone to bed now, he has put another Star Trek episode on the tv for me to watch. Apparently it is hard to sleep with me in the bed so A sometimes needs me to either sleep elsewhere or wait until he is asleep before going to bed so that he can get to sleep before mrs topsy turvy comes to bed. He has until the end of the episode to fall asleep. Hehehe.
To change the subject, I emailed my dietician and fessed up to restricting my food. I told her that I want to lose weight but do not want anorexia. It is not like I can just go on a diet, there is only one way I know how to lose weight, put less in. Restricting my food has meant I have less nausea which is good and my tail end which sustained a tearing injury on the toilet has had some time to heal without being used so much. It is hard for me to challenge my thinking that food is bad for me when I am having positive side effects from not eating so much. My ED therapist says that my case is complex because eating food gives me negative reinforcement. I can take antiemetics for the nausea which helps, but the bowel issues can only partly be resolved with medication and diet so that is always going to be an issue. Golly, I need a new body.
I just heard a noise in the kitchen, I think the bird is up to no good. Funny.
My husband and my children are the best family in the whole world.
I am useful but screwing things up.
I have received a request from our pastor to contact a lady in the community (not from our church) who has called asking for prayer support for chronic pain. I feel happy that Pastor thought to ask me to do this. This is good. This is something I can do, I do not have to feel well to pray for someone, I do not have to go out to do it. The lady would like someone to visit her and pray with her but the very nature of her problem means she is likely to be understanding if I cannot manage that often. I like being useful.
Eating today is not really going well. I did eat cereal at breakfast time and cake at morning tea, but the serve of cereal was insufficient and I slept through lunch time. I should have something now for afternoon tea but feel scared to do so because dinner is so close and I will have to have regular serving sizes then.
Self talk.
Food is a requirement not a priviledge.
I am so fat.
I need to eat.
I am scared to eat.
Food nourishes my body.
What if the food poisons my body?
It's little dark, thick, blobby head screams at me how awful I am. Others think I am nice but they are wrong. Sarayu (AKA Holy Spirit-alt name taken from The Shack by WM Paul Young) whispers to me that I am beautiful. I believe Sarayu, but it is hard to ignore the dark thick blobby one who screams. I think the dark thick blobby one is made up of all of me that hates me and because I know me best I think that I am right to know that I am deserving of being hated even though Sarayu says otherwise. Fundamentally I believe that God is always right, yet for some reason it is different when it is about me. I know I'm not the only one who is like this though. It is hard.
I will eat tea, lentil and vegetable soup. I will eat a suitable serving.
Eating today is not really going well. I did eat cereal at breakfast time and cake at morning tea, but the serve of cereal was insufficient and I slept through lunch time. I should have something now for afternoon tea but feel scared to do so because dinner is so close and I will have to have regular serving sizes then.
Self talk.
Food is a requirement not a priviledge.
I am so fat.
I need to eat.
I am scared to eat.
Food nourishes my body.
What if the food poisons my body?
It's little dark, thick, blobby head screams at me how awful I am. Others think I am nice but they are wrong. Sarayu (AKA Holy Spirit-alt name taken from The Shack by WM Paul Young) whispers to me that I am beautiful. I believe Sarayu, but it is hard to ignore the dark thick blobby one who screams. I think the dark thick blobby one is made up of all of me that hates me and because I know me best I think that I am right to know that I am deserving of being hated even though Sarayu says otherwise. Fundamentally I believe that God is always right, yet for some reason it is different when it is about me. I know I'm not the only one who is like this though. It is hard.
I will eat tea, lentil and vegetable soup. I will eat a suitable serving.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A birthday and an invitation to read
Do others who blog wonder what in their life would be worth reading? I do. Lots of stuff happens and my brain is a hub of activity, but I do not really know how to get it out of my head and onto the screen or even if doing that is of any interest to others. I am thinking that I might open my blog up for two days and see what happens. There has been a request to read my blog that I have not yet tended to because I've been cyberphobic again and also because I do not know why anyone would want to read me anyway.
Blah blah blah I type and talk too much about nothing important or interesting.
Something interesting...my baby turned 8!
There has been pastries and fried foods and cake and chocolate and all sorts of things that are scary for me and I have indulged in them all because I knew that would make him happy and also because I 'made it okay' to eat those things if that makes any sense? I know it was bad of me to do it that way.
He enjoyed his birthday and the celebration with family today. He likes to be the centre of attention and being able to command people to sit there and do this and eat that makes him very happy. I like seeing my lovely so happy, it makes me feel happy too. Tonight there was just the 4 of us again and it was nice to be together and talking about the day and looking at new toys together and playing together. I like together a lot. I happen to have the bestestest family in the whole world.
I have just made an agreement with a friend to not lie about what I have eaten or not eaten or anything else re the ED. This is a big deal for me because protecting anorexia with lies about that stuff has been common for me at various times, it has to stop. It stops now.
So, in honesty...I don't want to eat breakfast in the morning. I want to lose weight. I KNOW that losing weight is a really really bad idea. I have read that people feel seduced by their eating disorder, I have never been seduced succesfully by anyone, however I suppose I am seduced by anorexia. I hate it, but I want it. It scares me, but it is familiar and comfortable to me. It makes me mad, but it helps me not to feel. It takes bad stuff away from me so that I don't have to remember...all the time...
Because I am opening this blog for a couple of days, if you have just come across it, you need to know that I want to be free from the eating disorder. That I want to help others to understand how awful it is to have an ed and create awareness as to the risks that can lead to an ed and the complications that come from having one. I am not at all pro ana.
Cheers, me.
Blah blah blah I type and talk too much about nothing important or interesting.
Something interesting...my baby turned 8!
There has been pastries and fried foods and cake and chocolate and all sorts of things that are scary for me and I have indulged in them all because I knew that would make him happy and also because I 'made it okay' to eat those things if that makes any sense? I know it was bad of me to do it that way.
He enjoyed his birthday and the celebration with family today. He likes to be the centre of attention and being able to command people to sit there and do this and eat that makes him very happy. I like seeing my lovely so happy, it makes me feel happy too. Tonight there was just the 4 of us again and it was nice to be together and talking about the day and looking at new toys together and playing together. I like together a lot. I happen to have the bestestest family in the whole world.
I have just made an agreement with a friend to not lie about what I have eaten or not eaten or anything else re the ED. This is a big deal for me because protecting anorexia with lies about that stuff has been common for me at various times, it has to stop. It stops now.
So, in honesty...I don't want to eat breakfast in the morning. I want to lose weight. I KNOW that losing weight is a really really bad idea. I have read that people feel seduced by their eating disorder, I have never been seduced succesfully by anyone, however I suppose I am seduced by anorexia. I hate it, but I want it. It scares me, but it is familiar and comfortable to me. It makes me mad, but it helps me not to feel. It takes bad stuff away from me so that I don't have to remember...all the time...
Because I am opening this blog for a couple of days, if you have just come across it, you need to know that I want to be free from the eating disorder. That I want to help others to understand how awful it is to have an ed and create awareness as to the risks that can lead to an ed and the complications that come from having one. I am not at all pro ana.
Cheers, me.
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