Open, Closed, Open.

Far out. Life confuzzles me again and again!

Thursday (last week). We decide that our shop cannot stay open as we are trading at such an enormous loss. Making the decision to close our business down was huge for us. Ace said he was okay and not stressed, but I don't believe him. He's been crankier than usual at everyone around him. Ace made the appointments we needed to have to officiate our decision and begin the liquidation process.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Stressed, depressed, lots of crying by me. Lots of grumpy by Ace. Told people close to us that we were closing shop and got varied responses including "we told you so". Blah!

Monday. We attend appointment with accountant and then Ace meets with agents for the landlords. UGH! Short version is that there was no way to close and pay debts without losing our house. There is no way we would get back into home ownership anytime soon so we were loathe to lose our house. Oh boy I hate change. Anyway, we now have to stay open and somehow cut costs and increase sales in order to pay our debts, rent especially as we owe over one year's rent. We have to stay open for the next two years and during that time pay three year's rent when over the past three years we have only managed to pay less than two year's rent (there was a rent free period at the beginning). Money SUCKS.

Feeling out of control and sad. Should not really as I'm so super dooper blessed. Even if we go bankrupt, we are still in the top five percent of the world's population with regard to wealth. We live in Australia where we can get life saving health care for free, we can worship as we choose, our kids have free schooling which is excellent by global standards. So many things to be grateful for and I am, but still depressed. It doesn't make sense to me really.

Children are watching some weird robot thing on TV. They tell me it is X-Men. Interesting. Not. Loud. Yes.

While all this is going on outside my head the inside of my head is madness. The train with Rex is coming by more and more frequently and even when this train is not at the front station it is never out of view. I literally have to make myself eat food and feel 'horribubble woman' when I eat and afterwards. I do not know how to explain the horribubble woman sensation properly, but I'll try...I feel very acutely like a woman rather than just feeling like I'm me who happens to be female. That probably does not make much sense. Anyway, I don't like it at all and I cannot understand why. So eating is HARD. So far I'm still doing it, but I am only hanging on to proper food just. Am concentrating so so hard to maintain my weight and it would be much easier to lose weight and I would much rather lose weight. I hate anorexia but I like it and want it just the same. That does NOT make sense, no sense at all.

I love my children very very much. They make me so happy. I thank God for blessing me with them. Children are a reward from God and I have no idea for what I am being rewarded, but I don't mind...they are delightful and marvellous.