I am awake. So so tired but brain is racing. Racing what I do not know. Trains of thought are going too fast.
Thinking about...
God
Fat
Exercise
Colostomy
Fat
K
Grace
Fat
Pain
Fat
God. I am adored by Him. God is my Father. God is amazing. God is GOOD. God gives all good things. God is the best good thing.
Fat. Cannot get it out of my head.
Exercise. I should do and need to do exercise. Hating that I am too tired to do it. Fat.
Colostomy. I think a Kock continent colostomy would suit me best. Terrifies me that I have narrowed this down. The discomfort must be super bad. "Discomfort" is that a JOKE?
Fat. Distraction seems irrelevant. It is ever present.
K. Still missing her lots. When does the sadness end?
Grace. K is saved by grace. God gives me so many good things. God's grace gives me life and people to love. God forgives me...day after day after day after day after day. I don't deserve it, but He does.
Fat. God! Make it stop. Please. It's screaming inside my head.
Pain. Improvement has increased mobility. Thank you God for this good thing. I still complain. I must be grateful for the relief I have and stop wanting more.
Fat. It distracts from pain and from sad and from crappy bowel thinks and from how I got into this situation.
I think I am too tired. Like a little child. Too tired to sleep. Afternoon nap did not work because too noisy and visitors scared me, tonight I am sleeping badly. Took Risperdal a little while ago though. I want to sleep until late in the morning without waking.
It is true that when I cannot cope with the other stuff I resort to disordered eating and think many fat thunks. It would be better for me to collect stamps obsessively instead I am sure (just the cheap and free ones though). The truth is that when I am having isolated fat thinks and planning what I will eat that this is my entire focus and I do not bring to mind that I am hiding from other thought trains and trying to block them from coming into the thinking station. I know intellectually that this is what is happening but I have to be intellectualising it to realise it at any point in time. During those other points (in time) I am just thinking and doing what I am thinking and doing. I am scared. I scare myself.
I have to meditate on God and His word more. I need to distract myself from the bad thinks by putting God in the way. He is my shield and my strength.
Funny that I realise I need more God time and yet today we are having a planned family wagging church day. Because we want to. Because we are tired. Because E's bruised face is real this week. Because I do not feel well. Because we just want to hang out together when we are not hanging out by ourselves (aka sleeping). It will be a nice day.
I think when I go back to bed soon that I will take my iPod and listen to the story tape on it. The Shack. Eeek, ears are hurting and I want to take Sudafed, but I want to SLEEP more. Panadol it is.
I feel pathetic.
Please do not comment saying I am not fat. I know you think that. I know you want to tell me that, it is not going to change at all what I am feeling at this moment. Fat IS a feeling. All I have typed here are my thoughts and feelings because this is not an accademic paper so therefore it does not have to be factual according to evidence. I say I am fat and I feel fat because I THINK I am fat and I FEEL fat and being told that my thoughts are 'wrong' or distorted at this time is likely to annoy me with myself more than helpfully change my thinking. I am not a very good CBT case right now, just want to be free to blurt stuff out through my fingers.
Thank you F and T (formerly known as R) for reading.
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Yay for blurting! I want you to be free to blurt too, that is good. THat is what I like to do in my blog (F, if you would like to read my blog even though you barely know me just let me know and I will send you email invite)... I understand that it can be difficult when people invalidate the blurting.
ReplyDeleteI do not think you "should" do exercise, but I do understand how much you want to do it. I also think that SOME exercise is important, but one day, perhaps when a) yr pain is more sorted, b) when yr nausea is sorted and c) we've worked out yr pacing, then it will be easier to do some moderated exercise regularly, there is hope my lovely!
Being thankful for the pain relief you have is a good thing. But equally, it is not adequate yet and it IS okay to desire more and need more! When you have reached an optimal dose, it will be more important to focus on being thankful while also being aware of when you might need to change therapies to increase the dose too. It's all a balance, like a high wire bridge with hand rails!
I am glad that you have been thinking about the options for the colostomy even though it is terrifying for you. I think the more information and research you have gives you more time to start thinking about options rather than having to make decisions in a rush. I think these decisions are so important to make that it will confuzzle yr brain if you have to do it too quickly. I will support you all the way. If/when you decide to do this, I will come and stay with yr family and help look after the kids etc. I know I'll have back up of other people if needed but it is important to me to be able to look after you and be gentle with you. Remember that I want to be a doctor so I will do ANYTHING to assist you, no matter how personal... just like you did for K...as long as it is not distressing for you for me to do those things.
It is very understandable to focus on food. I do understand very very much. I think that is maybe why sometimes it is easier to deal with big crisis' because there is a set of rules for dealing with them and they consume our whole minds and take away all the pains and difficulties that consume us ordinarily.
You are so so important. You are perfect just as you are. You are not too intrusive or overwehlming or difficult, you are NOT too damaged to love and be cared for. You do not take up too much space in this world. You are truly wonderbubble and I'm soooo not letting you go!
*huggles*
love Telly xo
I won't tell you that you aren't fat, not because I have any idea what your body size is, but because I know that "fat" is different to all of us. For me, I know logically I'm not fat, but I have plenty of days when I feel that way, and curse anyone who tells me otherwise! Sometimes I'm just full of feelings or anxiety or whatever else. It's good for you to vent and express yourself in this way. Just know that this won't always consume you. There is a way out.
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